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Honesty is the strongest factor of relationship in every successful marriage. Understanding the difference and necessary accommodation by the counterpart is a vital point for healthy marriage. Beyond all worldviews the essential ingredient for the couples and family is 'God-fearing'. With out the spiritual element, life of individual, family or community is incomplete.
World-view: Readers Digest Feb 03 published the outcome of a survey on, 'Importance to a happy marriage.' It says, in many ways, sex and romance become more significant to marital happiness over time, and sexual happiness is much more important during midlife than in early marriage.' Thoughtful, compromise, deep affection, both spouses holding the same values, balancing the work and home life, tensions built out of arguments, love-being physically affectionate, emotionally handling the spouse or the bad effects of being unemotional as in the case of workaholics, stress management, lose of identity as a couple, romantic involvement of outsiders, psychological down side when retirement is imminent, occasional vacationing, good sex and enough of it, making more attractive, confidence about other spouse's love, intimacy, reassurance and urge for liberation beyond middle age, dependence due to ill-health, sexual urges even after the age of 77, and many things that benefit married life are discussed.
Another scholarly study explores various aspects of happy marriage; mostly based on studies of troubled couples. It says the old concepts are no more relevant in the changed circumstances. Listening to the other instead of fighting is more important to keep the marriage happy. According to psychologist John Gottman the real problem is the absence of both fighting well and listening well, for example, the wife brings up sticky marital issues and the husband avoids it. Problems are unavoidably integral part of married life, regardless of persons. Sixty nine percent successful couples live in constant fights over the same issues. Psychologist Linda J Waite says divorce is not at all solution because 75% couples that sustained through miserable marriage found they were happy after 5 years! Sharp difference in interest such as hobby or job can be a potential reason for divorce but not necessarily so if both offer independence and be tolerant to the other's interest. The chief cause for failure is the inability to discover the differences after the initial romance. Good humor can be a good antidote to failing marriages. Even severe arguments could be changed to laugher if the couples are humorous. Couples working together in times of hardships could not only sustain the marriage but also could eventually attain great success in life. Staying connected with family, friends and community is another step to stay happy in marriage. Happy marriage is worth many sacrifices and requires strong faith in marriage to overcome struggles. Remembering the good times and positive things of the past can revitalize the marriage, Readers Digest, Nov 99.
Honesty is the strongest factor of relationship in every successful marriage; all unanimously agree. But how honest are the spouses or how strong is the relationship is an interesting matter of study. Dishonesty among spouses is heavily rampant beyond one's imagination. Both men and women quite often fall in secret affections outside of marriage. Men are more prone to keep such secrets undisclosed. About 38% men hide their desire for affection, that is, they want affection from the spouse but are shy of putting it to them. 42% of men and 36% of women keep secrets from spouses. Most of them are from baby boomers and higher income bracket. Both men and women, about 48%, lie about money matters, which is crucial for stable relationship. About 18% of women keep the child's grade secret from the spouse. About 20% men keep secret of their failure in the work place. Most people are curious about the sexual past of the partner (not to be confused for married partner). 38% women and 48% men keep their sexual past a secret. 19% men and 10% women have secret attraction outside of marriage while still live together in marriage. Having and sharing dreams, future plans rather, is the deepest part of emotional relationship but about 20% couples never share dreams and visions for future. Many people keep the marriage without knowing how to get out of it. 16% couple said they woke up every morning wishing not to have married which means that marriage is so hard for them. Psychologist Kramer says a good marriage is not based on just telling all about what bothers you most. According to psychologist Gottman brutal honesty without a foundation of closeness is always not appropriate, survey Aug 2001, Marriages in America.
Understanding the difference and necessary accommodation by the counterpart is a vital point for healthy marriage. There are biological, behavioral, taste and social differences between sexes, which merits sufficient recognition. While a sedentary man requires average 2200 calories same sluggish woman needs only 1600 calories daily. Laboratory standard measures of blood count and brain cell count are slightly lower for a comparable woman to a man. Certain food has protective effect on woman and prevent from ailments but that would not act the same way in men. Men are better with certain other food for the same effect. Tomato sauce consumption two or three times in a week reduces the risk of prostate cancer by 35%. Two or three oysters are considered a zinc therapy that would prevent testosterone deficiency and increase sperm count. Broccoli decreases the chance of bladder cancer in men. Peanut butter is found good for reducing bad cholesterol and triglycerides for a healthy heart. Watermelon contains lot of potassium, which would keep blood pressure under check.
But these do not show equal result in women. For them certain other foods fair well. Papaya is an exemplary source to reduce the risk of common gallbladder disease in women. Flaxseed is powerful against breast cancer. Tofu-foods or soy reduces cholesterol, menopausal hot flashes and strengthens bones. Buffalo meat prevents anemia by supplying necessary iron and no fat. Collard greens vegetable is found very effective to fight osteoporosis, which afflicts many older women. These are the results of many scientific studies published in the Reader's Digest, July 2001. I have summarized the gist for the benefit of the reader. So naturally men may be more aggressive while women may be global thinkers. Men may be single players while women may be team players. Men may not get upset as easily as women for smaller issues. Men may not give attention to details in as much as women in the given situations.
Women may be more loving and caring than men about children and relatives. Women are more jealous about a husband who spends time alone rather more desirous to spend more time together Women can be emotionally easily disturbed than men such as an inappropriate gift, inopportune remarks, not sharing the household works or rearing children. Anger and anxiety cause severe loss of libido in women but for the same reason men suffer less in comparison, etc and the list goes on. 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' as John Gray has put it. Freud was probably the first man who undertook a detailed study of gender difference. He found different anatomy and configuration in male and female and said, 'For women the level of what is ethically normal is different from what it is in man.' Psychologist Janet Lever found that the gender difference is evident in and from the early childhood, boys played outdoor games more often, more in large groups, last longer, erupt more into disputes but solve quicker and enjoy more legal debates. In contrast eruption of disputes among girls marks the end of the game.
Piaget observed that girls have more pragmatic attitude towards rules, are more tolerant to rules and are early reconciled. While boys learn and practice competitive behavior girls learn to practice cooperativeness. Thus in short gender differences are enormous and worth learning.
Our people's immense curiosity and ominous rapidity to Americanize marriages, especially youngsters who are too fond of western style rather than traditional Indian style, which according to them is old fashioned and monotonous, is no secret at all. It would be an interesting eye opener to know how Americans view these marriage styles and how different they are from ours. 'I don't understand why people who have little interest in spiritual life want to be married in a church. The music they request is blasphemous. Groomsmen come to the rehearsal drunk. Photographers behave as if the ceremony is a 'photo opportunity,' and show no respect for the sacred nature of the service. Folks who have no spiritual life should do us a favor and get married at the beach, in a garden, on a mountain top, in Las Vegas or Reno and forget about the church,' says an organist at a Baptist church. Weddings are a pain.
Bossy, overbearing mothers of a bride; groomsmen who don't know their left foot from their right, arriving late and drunk, caterwauling sopranos, who see themselves as operatic divas, wanting to sing the theme song from Titanic; and pushy photographers who think the wedding is a show staged for their benefit. Once, I did a wedding on Saturday and saw the bride sitting alone the next day at services. 'Where is your husband?' I asked. 'Oh,' she replied, 'The marriage was a mistake. We are getting divorced.' I would rather go through a hemorrhoidectomy than perform another wedding,' says a Florida Reverend. 'I had a bride who insisted that the pews be unscrewed from the floor and moved to the side so she could get through the isle in her hoop-skirted wedding gown. Give me a funeral any day. The Europeans do it right-first a civil service, then the religious,' from Nashville, Tenn. 'There should be a dress code for the brides-gowns with sleeves and shoulder straps. I attended a wedding recently, and the bride wore a strapless gown showing her huge cleavage.
When the groom grabbed her for the 'wedding kiss' her breast fell out. You can be sure that is the one wedding I'll never forget,' from Los Angeles. 'Wedding receptions have become so raunchy that most clergy refuse to attend. The bride places her wedding garter right up against her crotch for the groom to remove. The groom slow-dances with his tongue in her mouth. I am so offended by all this, I now leave immediately after the service,' from Toledo, Ohio. 'May be there is something wrong with my weddings. They don't seem to take. Ten of the 20 couples I married in the last three years are now divorced. I married two brides twice. I am through doing weddings. They don't mean anything anymore,' retired Minister in Miami, 'Ann Landers,' Inq dt 1/17/2000.
Those who read various publications, see TV, etc know that in this country and in these times there are too many surveys for all matters from Sun to dust. I am cutting short for fear of length, suffice it to say, studies based merely on worldviews have so far proved futile because it could least alleviate the mounting problem of family unrest. As never before, we have these days too many highly qualified psychological counselors and yet family unrest is exploding in an unprecedented manner. For, the real unfortunate problem is that counselors themselves are in dire need of counseling. For example, Cathy and Bill are disturbed couple. They go to Mr. Wolf, a professional counselor for help. Mr. Wolf himself has a history of two divorces, one legal separation, and visitation-rights for his children, restraining order from the ex-spouse, and etc. Like a blind leading the blind how he can impart sound solution to the problem? People do not much bother about the moral standing of the counselor either. It is however a lucrative business.
The above worldviews lacks the basic ingredient, that is, 'God-fearing. Not one study at least mentions the spiritual element without which life is incomplete, insignificant and void. No one ever disputes the fact that human being is composed of dust of the ground or elements from the material world and has ultimate destiny to return to it but that alone does not make him different from animal species. All living beings posses the ability to eat, move around, sleep, express concern in danger, make certain sounds, breathe, excrete, etc. But they have no freedom to choose, no faculty to innovate, laugh, or think. They do not recognize or distinguish morality, discipline and ethics.
Only human being can exercise these sublime faculties because he has been accentuated with a rational soul, which other beings do not possess. I do not completely disregard the modern scientific studies such as electro-encephalograph test, which says animals and plants do have souls. May be or may not be, that is not the bone of contention here. Even if admitting for discussion sake that animals and plants do posses soul, they have no rational soul, it is argued, as that of human beings. That which they have, remain primitive and rudimentary in nature, limited to cosmic (environment) perception. Human soul is completely different. This difference is evident in the creation account itself. God created all living beings by the word of command. But God first formed man by His hands from the dust of the ground and when the body was complete God breathed into the nostrils the breath of life so it became a living soul. Man is exalted from all other creations in a very special way.
But today's travesty is that man chooses to live in denial of this exclusive privilege and by immoral acts he negates his high calling. Nature gives man need but not contentment. Discontentment is a born attribute of man. There is an inexplicable feeling of bond that invigorates man as an integral part of the world but at times he also exhibits polar opposition to the world. However, a struggle within to reconcile the polarity is also evident, which is because of an outside agile component and we call it soul. Soul is not a part of God but a creation of God. Because man has rational soul he has consciousness, he can think, imagine, distinguish right and wrong and choose at free will. The physic which houses the soul is from the world but the soul is from God above and so he rightly belongs to a higher realm and needs be constantly connected to that higher power for nourishment and fulfillment. In the absence of rational soul human could not be distinguished from other animals. Physic has neither merit nor existence without rational soul and soul is more important than the physic.
But without physic how soul could function? So I do not intent to diminish the importance of material-body. Importance applies in mere comparison. As the physic is more inclined to the worldly matters the soul has an urge to seek the higher, God. Body requires regular discipline without which the soul cannot grow or attain higher values. Therefore a study without equal credit to both physical and spiritual aspects is inconclusive. Remedy based upon such imperfect one-sided study would be gross error. Worldview without God is like science without ethics, lame, immoral and without virtues. Thus secular learning, secular counseling and secular approach without the active involvement of spiritual aspect will not yield sound result. That is exactly the present predicament and the reason for a groaning society. The only way out is to equally balance world and God.
God-fearing is completely obeying and living according to His righteous standards. Intellectual understanding of who God is, reciting certain prayers or passages, regularly attending church services or certain good deeds, though are necessary human qualities, profits nothing. In other words, God requires perfect trust from a devotee. All human beings are variously bestowed with talents, wisdom and potentials. Let no one say one is born without talent or has no talents, may be he or she has not identified it or developed it yet and what is needed is a conscious and consistent effort to increase one's abilities for the good of oneself and others. One may be gifted with sweet melody, the other with eloquence, yet another with teaching ability and yet another with certain other talents. Everyone thus endowed with certain talent is made a trustee of such talent and handling it with care and confidence is obviously imperative. When we analyze various talents in relation to ones duties and responsibilities, being a good husband, wife, parent, child, brother, sister, citizen, etc are administration of different talents. If one faithfully discharges one's given duty that is doing the will of God rather such individual is faithful and God-fearing.
A God-fearing person is morally adept who holds high moral values and principles. Morality and sense of justice are the two basic qualities that make man different from the rest animals. Animals are subject to constraints of nature. Man without these qualities falls worse than the animal. Morality engenders manners. He shuns evil and keeps away from the ungodly. He thinks and acts not in terms of his self but the will of God. He is the one who is right with God when he is alone, for it is then wild thoughts plague and enslaves the mind. His thought and action both in public and in private are in harmony even when put in tantalizing situations. He embraces that which is good, adorable and holy, not out of compulsion or necessity but by free will and choice. He is the one of God's own heart. This does not imply being sinless. David committed a series of serous sins such as, murder, adultery and yet the Bible talks about David as 'man after God's own heart, 1 Sam 13:14. He possessed godly qualities such as long-suffering, forgiving, mercy and kindness.
He completely leaned and trusted upon God in both good and bad times. Job is said to be, 'perfect and upright, feared God and eschewed evil. He did not doubt nor forsake nor blaspheme God even in the midst of hard trials; lose of wealth, health and children despite being despised by his wife and close friends. As we do know now Job would never have known that Satan had bargained to test his faith and God was closely watching over the whole matter. It was in the midst of severe afflictions that Job saw God face-to-face. 'I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear; but now mine eyes sees thee, Job 42:5. God rewarded Job for his perfect devoutness and trust, replenished double of what he lost and wanted Job to mediate on behalf of his friends. Trusting in God is perfect obedience without questioning or grumbling. Such a test came to Abraham. He was fairly robust and wealthy man who happily lived among his relations. But God required him to sojourn from his father's house to a land yet unknown. He immediately departed without doubt. Again, he confronted the worst nightmare a human being could ever imagine, sacrificing his only son Isaac. Abraham's trust in God was perfect and complete that he did not waver least, undertook a three days' difficult journey to Mount Moriah to perform the sacrifice. Thus we have a host of exemplary God-fearing role models who proved their unflinching trust in God. These holy men proved their fidelity by perfect obedience to God.
Fidelity is first and foremost quality of a God-fearing person. Fidelity is the basis of all covenants. Fidelity is the grouting cement upon which all covenants and the society is built and sustained. What would happen to a corporation headed by unfaithful managers, latest examples being Enron and WorldCom? During patriarchal times there were covenants between men, between countries and between God and men. God made covenant with Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David and many others. Covenants were valid and binding upon parties to the covenant only when the conditions are faithfully followed. If either party breaks the condition, the covenant becomes automatically invalid. God-Jehovah and Israel had covenant relationship. It was not in exact bilateral terms as generally understood. God stipulated certain behavioral pattern namely keeping away from sin. God would in turn deliver them from evils-enemies. For example, 'You shall be my people and I will be your God,' Je 7:23. Identical to a Middle-east marriage contract, it was based on fidelity of Israel, a condition that Israel will not worship other Gods. If they became infidels God would punish them. He may withdraw His favor but never completely abrogates the covenant. Thus it was a covenant of eternity and abounding grace of God.
During the prophetic times there was an increased awareness of a closer relationship between God and Israel, which was equated to the relationship of husband and wife because spousal relation was most intense form of sacrificial love, trust and mutual care. There is no other relation so private that it excludes all other relations. The relationship being highly charged with emotion there are more likelihood for corruption and thus demands vigilance and fidelity. 'Your maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name' said Isaiah, 54:5. Trust in God was compared to the bond between husband and wife. People turned to other gods and committed idolatry, which was deemed adultery, a grave sin. The whole land has committed whoredom, Hosea 1:2. Hosea was a faithful husband but his wife Gomer was unfaithful and deserted him many times. Yet he loved her and brought her back. He found same infidelity on the part of Israel who sought after other gods. He says God-Jehovah loves Israel with the same emotion and passion of a faithful husband to an unfaithful and adulterous wife and God is ready to reinstate and forgive if Israel returns to God. His message is that fidelity is the chief bonding-factor in husband and wife relationship. When trust is lost relationship suffers and ends in most cases. Jeremiah lamented, 'Israel, the wife, had been faithless and played the harlot', Ch 3.
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